im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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