Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
