he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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