I'm so fucking centered right now
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
