I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
