cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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