Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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