Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
