Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
