I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
My life is pants optional.
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