My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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