the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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