u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
my poor anus
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize