even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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