Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
