Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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