I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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