dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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