**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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