We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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