Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
