i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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