ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
