I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
