His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
