You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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