if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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