Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I want to be your penis for a week.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
