I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
from now on my penis is your penis
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
