I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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