So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Randomize
