Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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