we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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