I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
