She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
