Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
