and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
