I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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