so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
