This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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