my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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