This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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