Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
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