I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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