Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
