I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
