OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
