I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
