She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
