Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
