I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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