Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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