How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
