I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
