There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
My pussy is not your playground.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
