so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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