I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
