A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
