I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
