you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
