I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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