There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
