half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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