It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
