you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You can't just leave with hair like that
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Enjoy the penises
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
