I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
