hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Randomize
